


I don't want you to die for me (I want you to stay alive)

by LongLiveHeda (lost_but_alive)



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Development, F/F, Fix-It, Fluff and Angst, Lexa is Alive, They have brains, They use them
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-21
Updated: 2016-04-30
Packaged: 2018-05-28 06:04:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6317656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lost_but_alive/pseuds/LongLiveHeda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Another fix-it fic starting at the beginning of Hakeldama.<br/>Kane and Abby put off the election, because of Pike's disobedience. Grounder's army wasn't murder and Lexa and Clarke reached Arkadia with high hopes for peace. Sadly they are quickly shattered by growing hatred in the camp towards Grounders. Will they be able to stop a brewing war, truly join their people together and work out their complicated relationship? Some things go as in the show, others are completely different, but mainly: Lexa is alive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Homecoming

**Author's Note:**

> I think at this point everyone and their mother have started a fix-it fic after THAT episode, so I decided to give it a shoot too, but actually there are so many ridiculous things in the plot, that I decided to start my canon-divergent at the beginning of Hakeldama. I may be too naïve, but I just can't believe anyone would be dumb enough to murder a peaceful army. 
> 
> It will be mainly the clexa story, but I'm planning to fix few more things too. Kane didn't make an election in a middle of rebellion. They didn't let Pike go with his plan. Bellamy will still make a few bad decisions but he won't lose all of his character development and brain's cells. Lincoln will have more screen time than the horses. Raven will have an opinion on the Grounders' situation, she will be included in a "cool" plotline too. Octavia won't randomly change sides at every occasion, once saying she's a Trikru, than protecting Skykru to her last breath. And mainly: NO DEAD LESBIAN ALLOWED HERE. I hope you'll like it and I'm open to discussion about the plot and my look on things. Sorry for all mistakes. English isn't my first language.

For once everything just seemed like it’s going to be ok. Like maybe there was a chance for peace, for both of their people to move forward and try to build something together. It nearly felt like hope. Something Clarke hadn’t felt for a long while and hadn’t been really expecting to feel ever again. But every time she stole a subtle glance at Lexa – smiling constantly and literally glowing with pride for what both of them achieved – she allowed herself to think that maybe… If the Commander herself could see their future in a bright light, why Clarke shouldn’t? 

But there was this constant nagging at the back of her mind that couldn’t just allow her to believe in 'happily ever after'. Maybe it was just her never-ending guilt and panic that seemed to grow bigger with every mile they crossed towards Arcadia, but even with Lexa’s relaxed attitude and warm words of courage she couldn’t just stop worrying.  

They had met with Indra’s army an hour ago and spent some time there learning about the situation. Everything looked fine within the Grounder’s ranks, the only issue being the laconic, weird message form Kane about some problems with the election in Arcadia. He hadn’t explained much, briefly telling Indra to stay cautious just in case.  

It wasn’t enough to subdue Lexa’s mood, but worked perfectly to intensify Clarke’s anxiety. When they got on their horses again and left to Arcadia with Indra in tow, this time even Heda’s discreet (not really), encouraging smiles didn’t lift her spirit. After all it was the very first time the Commander would step between her people after the betrayal. And what's more she will step between them as no other than their leader. When Sky People had joined the Coalition everything had happened so fast. Kane who had always seen Lexa as a visionary was more than okay with the turns of events. Abby had come around for Clarke’s sake. She had really just wanted to get her daughter back. But the rest of their people? Hoping for a warm welcome was probably a wishful thinking. Even Clarke wasn’t still sure how she felt about all of this, so she couldn't just expect her people to forgive Lexa easily.  

When they reached Arkadia’s gate Lexa stopped her warriors, nodded slightly at Clarke and both of them rode closer. The guards had to recognize them for sure, but it actually took them a few long moments before they opened the gates, Kane and Abby quickly making their way towards them on the other side. 

"Commander, welcome back to our camp." Kane bowed his head slightly before the brunette, greeting Clarke with a smile few moments later. He had clearly grow as a leader since landing on Earth and it was showing even in such a smile gesture as that. On the other hand Abby was barely containing her animosity toward the Commander, sending her suspicious glares, while hurrying to Clarke's side. 

The blonde sighed with irritation as her mother literally dragged her down from her horse into her arms. It was kind of nice to feel that kind of affection again, but Clarke wasn't fully ready to allow herself that or to reconcile with her mother on top of that. Their fallout because of Jake's death seemed now so far away, but - with all of the tragic events surrounding them - still was a raw wound in the blonde's heart. Not to mention that her mother like always had the worst timing ever and exactly zero political skills. 

"Clarke? Are you alright? How did your journey go?" Were the first words that left her mouth, when she cupped her daughter's face in her hands. 

"Mom, I'm fine. Really." The blonde tried to free herself from her mother's arms discretely. "But you nearly threw me out off my horse." She added snarky. 

"Kane of Sky People. Chancellor Abby." Despite Clarke's irritation, Lexa only acknowledged the whole situation with a gentle smirk. It didn't reach her eyes like when she was alone with Clarke, but it was so much more then she usually showed to others. "We appreciate your hospitality. It is remarkable that finally we join our people to celebrate peace rather than plan war." They could actually hear hope radiating from her voice. Even when hospitality sounded like a big exasperation.  

Clarke hadn't been expecting a warm welcome, but at least she expected some kind of a welcome. She hadn't seen Camp Jaha since she left three months ago. Now Arkadia was completely different place from the one she had remembered, but actually the thing that was the most noticeable was complete lack of signs of living or any kinds of activities. None of her old friends came to greet her. Which kind of hurt. None of Sky people left their houses to see the Commander's arrival. Before she could question this situation, Kane went on with his formal greeting. 

"We can only hope it won't be the last time and all our meetings will remain like that." He smiled, but it seemed a little forced. His body language was also stiff and nervous. Something was truly wrong. "Please, let your people rest in our rooms and eat something in our mess-hall. Maybe you would like to join me in a council room so we could discuss the situation? Or maybe you prefer to rest with your warriors first? Anything is fine with us, Commander." 

"I would like to address all the issues first. I heard you had some troubles with election and I see that Abby is still the Chancellor, so I think we should discuss it first. Before we can begin with a true celebration." Lexa looked slightly towards Clarke, so the blonde just nodded her head with confirmation. Her face stayed completely void and passive, but it was really warming her inside that the Commander of the twelve clans was looking to her for an approval. It looked like a lot of things Lexa had done lately was having that kind of an effect on her, even though she still didn't want to acknowledge it. 

"Yeah, what happened here? And where are everyone?" She voiced her agreement and the most bugging question at the same time, while starting to move towards the remains of the Ark. She didn't even make two steps before Abby's hand stopped her in a middle of her track. 

"I would like to talk to you first Clarke." She said quickly. "Privately." She added after the moment sending Lexa another not really subtle glare. 

"Mom. We will have a lot time to catch up lately." The younger blonde also wasn't trying to hide her attitude, annoyance clear in her voice, but this time Abby didn't let her free herself so easily. 

"It's important, Clarke." She accented every word with seriousness suggesting that she really didn't want to just talk about her months in the woods. Her grip on Clarke's arms tightened, but the blonde stopped fighting it at this point. 

"If you say so." She answered, still a little defensive. "Lead a way." Despite agreeing on her own, she still looked at Lexa waiting for her judgment. After all she was still her ambassador and couldn't just ignore the Commander. (Not that she wanted, not really.) 

"Go with your mother, Clarke." The brunette just nodded in this commanding and serious way of her. "I will give my warriors orders and we will wait for the Chancellor and you to join us in a council room." 

Without any more encouragement, Clarke let herself be led by her mother inside the Ark leaving Lexa with Kane. While they walked she couldn't miss the fact that there was still complete lack of people anywhere aside from guards. 

"What's going on mom?" She asked after a moment of silence, slowly growing anxious about the situation. Whatever it was. 

"We had kind of a... rebellion here." Abby answered with a deep sigh and a mournful grimace, when they finally stopped in an isolated, nearly empty room, Clarke had never been in. 

"A rebellion?" The blonde repeated with a surprise. "What kind of a rebellion?" Somehow she knew the answer even before she got it. She should really have anticipated it after all. There was a lot of bad blood between the Sky People and the Grounders. 

"People are angry, Clarke. A lot of them. They want revenge. I think we can even call it a blood-lust at this point. They didn't even care who they attack as long as they're killing Grounders. Pike tried to go over our orders and murder Lexa's army." 

"This is ridiculous!" Clarke didn't even try to suppress her aggravation. "That army was here to protect us in case the Ice Nation would have attacked. This doesn't make sense at all. They would only start another war. The one we'd have zero chances of winning." She repeated, still not believing how someone could be that blinded by his rage. 

"I know." Abby was trying to calm her down a little, but it wasn't really working. "We arrested and incarcerated them before they managed to leave the camp, but a lot of people support Pike's ideology. When they learned that we've joined Lexa's Coalition, that after her betrayal and many other things Grounders did to us, we will become her subjects... you can all imagine the reaction. It's a miracle we didn't have to use force to restrain them. We had to put off the election though, because there was big chance that Pike would win. Of course that only enraged people more." Now when Clarke watched her mother closely she could spot fatigue and apprehension leaking through her serious mask. Abby Griffin had never been good with hiding her emotions. 

"You did the right thing with stopping the election. Who knows where it could lead." The blonde quickly assured her mother, her leader instinct kicking in again. "Did you plan your next step with Kane? We will be hosting Grounders for more or less a week. The peace is still very fragile. The last thing we need it's a confrontation between them and us or any kind of riot." Last time Skykru and Trikru had have to work together they barely hadn't slit their throats and it was before the Mountain, when they had have a common enemy. Even trying to imagine what could happen now, left Clarke with a headache and growing anxiety. 

"That's what I wanted to talk with you about." Abby began cautiously, watching her daughter closely. "We're not sure how much or if any of this we should tell Lexa. Marcus believes deeply in this peace, in starting new life here with the Grounders, but I'm not that optimistic. I still have my doubts about all of this, but I trust your judgment. Both of us agree on one thing though, Grounders' culture it literally all about revenge. Blood must have blood has been their way for years and we don't know how they will react to our internal power-struggle. For all we know, Lexa may even want to execute rebels on the spot and that will only infuriate people more." 

"You're right. The last thing they should see right now is her killing more of our people." She agreed slowly, but made sure that her next words would be resolute. "But we can't hide it from her, we shouldn't, and she's already aware that it's not going to be easy to win Sky People over, so there's no point in withholding it. Maybe we shouldn't tell her about their plans to massacre Trikru's army, but we have to tell her about the general mood in a camp. She will understand, she's not like the rest of the Grounders.' Clarke finished a lot quitter, avoiding her mother eyes unconsciously. She knew she was supposed to be the last person on Earth to ever trust Lexa again. She definitely didn't reach that state (not yet), but she understood the Commander just like Lexa always seemed to understand her, maybe even on the level no one could. She knew why Lexa had done what she had in the Mountain. She had seen her sparing her ambassadors' lives after they had committed treason and her effort to make Skykru the 13th clan despite all odds. Maybe Grounders believed in vengeance and blood-lust, but she didn't. If the situation didn't suddenly become overwhelming, there was no chance she would just break their peace, especially over something they haven't done. 

"We are her subjects now, so I guess we at least should try to reach an agreement with her, but we have to double the guards in case someone tries to do something stupid." Abby slowly nodded her head probably calculating her daughter words over. 

"Please do, but we can't turn Arkadia into a ghost town. If people are to ever accept her, they need to at least see her. She will want to interact with them." Clarke's mind involuntary went back to their time in Polis when in a brief time off peace Lexa had taken her for a walk around the city. Grounders really did love their Heda. Of course some saw her as week or were just suspicious towards her peaceful goals, but most of them respected and admired her. 

And she loved them back. There was absolutely no doubt about that in Clarke's mind. There had never been. While they had been walking through Polis Lexa had stop to talk to her people at many occasions. She had tried shoppers' products, smiled at passers-by and listened to children when they had approached her with the shouts of deep adoration. Clarke knew that the part of the reason of their long stay at Arkadia was to give her a chance to achieve something similar here. Or at least try to. 

"Of course, but I hope both of you know it's a long shot. Our first celebration together ended with a disaster and we can only pray that this time around won't be worse. We also have to make a decision what to do about Pike and his people. It's out of question to let them out now, with Trikru in Arkadia, but we can't keep them locked forever. We don't even have a decent prison or anything." Abby still didn't sound really convinced about the whole 'getting friendly with Lexa' thing, but at least for once she didn't try to question her daughter's every decision. Maybe it was because of the long separation or maybe she just felt truly crushed by the situation. 

"We have to hope they will come to their senses and let their anger burn down by the time Grounders leave. When they see the peace working out maybe they won't be so fixed on destroying it." Clarke assured her mother again, despite feeling pretty uncertain herself. "I should probably check how things are going outside and find Lexa." She added after a moment, more than ready to join the Commander again. Wanting or not now she would have to keep an eye on her all the time. 

"Wait, Clarke. There is one more thing." Her mother took a deep sigh before continuing. "Bellamy was with the rebels. Actually he was the one that helped Pike get guns and started chanting for him to become the new Chancellor." 

"What?" From all the things Clarke have just learnt that one surprised and in a way hurt her the most. It was the only thing she in fact had a problem to believe in. 

"We locked him up too." Abby continued, reaching to touch her daughter arm and show her some comfort. However Clarke was too stunned to even acknowledge it. "But I think this damaged our morale even more than Pike himself. After Mount Weather and even before Bellamy became kind of a hero, taking a role of the leader just like you. People around here listen to and respect him. A lot of them would have been fine with mass-murdering a peaceful army just because he had said it was good for us." 

"I know, but I can't imagine... Why..." Clarke's voice broke a little, but she quickly pulled herself together. "I have to talk to him." 

"I didn't want to push you into this, but I was hoping you will do it. He's in a lot of pain and completely lost his way. Kane tried to reach him, Octavia too, but he just wants a revenge, something that Pike keeps strengthening in his mind." 

"It's Bellamy. He has been always impulsive, but he has a good heart. I can't believe he would have go through with this plan." Maybe it was just a wishful thinking, but Clarke wanted to have faith in one of her closest friend. "Where do you keep them? I need to talk with him as fast as possible. This has to be dealt with immediately. " 

Her mother accepted her request with a firm nod and guided her deeper into the Ark. The walk was quite short and Clarke didn't even get a time to prepare herself, when they approached a big cell with a group of people inside and two guards watching the door. Few Farm Station's people including Pike raised to their feet with hostile expression, but the blonde had her eyes only for Bellamy. The boy had to feel it because even without an encouragement he came closer, standing in front of her, only the bars between them. His face was a complete close-off, emotionless mask, but his eyes were burning with such an anger and hurt that Clarke involuntary felt a gulp rising in her throat. 

"Clarke. You're back." He began, because she was still too put off to find her voice. 

"Bellamy." She gulped, trying not to shutter. "What is the meaning of this? Tell me you didn't try to start a war." 

"We didn't start anything. Grounders have attacked and killed us since the day we landed. We tried to build an alliance with them and they left us to die. The war has never stopped." His cold voice was dripping with hatred. 

"There is a chance for peace. Finally the real chance." Clarke took a step closer nearly touching the bars, if they weren't in a way she would probably try to reach Bellamy for a better effect, but now she literally saw her words bounced back from the wall he'd built around himself. 

"What chance? With Lexa? How much time will it take this time for her to abandon us and sentence to death? We can't trust her." He snarked at her. They were trying to keep their conversation private and their voices low, but it was obvious that Bellamy was slowly losing it. "And what about the ones that have died already? We will just let their death go forgotten?" 

"We avenged what Ice Nation did. It's over. What you are trying to achieve is a blind vengeance. It won't serve anyone right." 

"We?"  

"Lexa and I-" Clarke stopped herself midsentence. She wasn't even sure why this was the first thing that had left her mouth, but it definitely should be the last one. Bellamy's face somehow managed to became even more close-off, making her realised how big mistake she just made.  

"Of course. You and Lexa." He laughed humourlessly. "What happened to you, Clarke? Are you one of them now? You even look like a Grounder."  

"Bellamy, please. You know I had to stay in Polis. Everything I've done, it's for all of us." Fighting through his hatred, she tried to reason with him again.  

"Is it? You handed us over to Lexa without even consulting anybody, while the council locked up our own people. The Commander strengthened her dictatorship, but what about them? What about people from Farm Station? They lost their families and friends when Grounders blew Mount Weather. What about all of us?!" His eyes gleamed with unshared tears, when he shouted pointing at other prisoners. "My girlfriend died in there." 

"Grounders didn't blow up Mount Weather. Ice Nation did. And you tried to fix it by murdering the peaceful army that was here to protect us?" She let her desperation and disbelief show in hope to snap him over finally. "Bellamy, this is not who you are. You're not a mass-murder." 

"Like you're the one to talk!" He stormed towards bars making her involuntary take few steps back. "You let a missile drop on our people, including my sister. You sided with Lexa who betrayed us and in a process made us kill everyone in Mount Weather. People who helped us. People who trusted us. People who helped ME! And then you left us to pick all the pieces and ran away only to came back three months later with Lexa in tow, happily announcing that you vowed obedience to her in name of all of us." 

Clarke couldn't contain her tears. They had begun running down her face, even before Bellamy finished talking. She tried to fight it, but it was a lost case. Her mother luckily was gone already, but the other prisoners and the guards watched her uneasily. No one dared to interfere, but Farm Station's people was talking lowly between themselves with clear disdain in their voices and faces. 

"I tried to- I'm still trying to save all of us." After a long and heavy pause, Clarke forced her lips to form this few weak words. 

"Me too." Bellamy answered sharply, turning around. Ignoring the crying blonde he walked back to his place at the deep end of the cell next to Pike, who proudly put his hand on the boy's arm and squeezed lightly. 

Feeling utterly defeated, hurt and guilty, Clarke could only watch her friend ignoring her before she quickly left the room, basically running away from it. She crossed few passages, completely oblivious to anything around her, finally stopping in some old, abandon part of the Ark. She leaned against the wall weakly, her legs shaking violently. Few seconds later she slid to the floor and curled herself into a crying, broken ball. Flashbacks from the Mountain attacked her mind with imagines of burning skin, dead children and agonizing screams. They had become weaker after her three months in a woods and nearly had stopped when she had stayed in Polis and had had to concentrate on saving her people, but now they were back with full force, even worst then ever before.  

This was why she had left. This was why she had been anxious to come back. Lexa had tried to convince her that what she had done was necessity, that she was a hero who saved everybody, but what she'd just seen in Bellamy eyes confirmed everything she had been feeling this whole time. She's no hero. She's a monster, a killer. And if her conversation with Bellamy had gone that bad, she didn't even want to think what she should expect from others: Jasper, Monty, Raven and Octavia. 

She didn't know how much time she spent sitting there and crying, She would probably stay there for much long if not for a soft, cautious voice. 

"Clarke? Are you ok?" Octavia was standing at the and of the corridor looking at her hesitantly. There was a concern in her eyes, but she kept her distance. 

"Yeah, I'm fine." Clarke didn't even try to sound convincing, but it was enough to dismiss any other questions she wasn't ready to answer. 

"The council's looking for you. They want to start a meeting, but Lexa make them wait until you join them." The brunette told her softly, she came closer and offered her hand to help her stand up. Clarke grabbed it a little stiffly and raised to her feet. She tried to wipe away her tears, but her cheeks and eyes still stayed red and wet. It was quite obvious she spent last few moments crying hard.  

They didn't exchange a word whole walk toward council room, but when they finally came closer, Octavia stopped abruptly and addressed Clarke. 

"I know the situation is hard and all, but I'm really happy that you're back." 

"I'm really sorry I left. I had to." The blonde's voice broke slightly. Her confrontation with Bellamy was still fresh in her mind, so she felt the strong need to apologise and excuse herself. 

"Me too. Maybe the things would have gone differently if you had stayed, but there is nothing we can do about it now." The girl shrugged indifferently. It wasn't exactly very encouraging, but Clarke wasn't excepting anything else. Before she had left, they'd never really gotten a chance to move over the whole missile thing. Octavia had every right to be cold toward her. 

"I will try to set things right. I promise." She assured her quickly. 

"I know." Came the soft answer. 

"But your brother..." 

"Bellamy is blinded by rage and pain." Octavia interrupted her quickly, her face showing signs of betrayal and disappointment. "He will come around. We will find a way to shake him up," There wasn't any doubt in her voice. "But before then, you shouldn't let yourself be misled by his word." She added with less conviction but maintained eye contact with Clarke. The blonde only nodded at that. She wanted to question Octavia what she thought about the situation. The younger Blake seemed to know Grounders the best of them all. But now wasn't the time. 

She entered the council's room with a fake steady pace. All the voices stopped immediately and five pairs of eyes pierced into her. It quickly made her realise that despite her false bold posture, it was still pretty obvious she had been crying. Kane looked at her with an unspoken question. Her mother at once appeared by her side with concern. Other two Arkers dropped their eyes awkwardly. And Lexa... She kept her face emotionless like always, only clenching her jaw tighter, but her eyes showed the true tornado of emotion. At first there was concerned and affection, even a little of fear and then it changed into a pure fury. Lexa didn't move, didn't say a word. It looked like she barely breath, but Clarke was sure she was more than ready to leave this room and rip into pieces whoever or whatever had made her cry. 

The blonde gulped involuntary, she couldn't take so much emotions so she just lowered her gaze and hurried the Council to start the meeting finally. It was extremely awkward at first (especially considering the fact that Lexa was still looking only at her), but they managed to go through all feast preparation plan without bigger problems. They agreed to wait one more day, before more Trikru would join them and situation at Arkadia would become less tense. At this point Clarke knew her mother and Kane were waiting for her to approach the subject of a riot gently, so she decided to just go with it. 

"Commander" She began softly despite there being completely no reason for her to try to catch Lexa's attention. It stayed on her the whole time. "The mood in our camp is a little grim now. A lot of people don't approve of our decision to join the Coalition. We have situation under control, but it would be wise for all of us to try to avoid any kind of confrontation and incidents." 

"Of course. Your people have a right to be suspicious and reluctant. There're still mourning, but the dead are gone and the living are hungry. We came to build a lasting peace, Clarke, and one way or another we will make it happen." She assured her with a smile. The blonde slowly answered with her own. Everyone in the room except Kane looked rather unconvinced, but no one dared to interrupt. 

"We will." Kane replied fiercely for all of them. 

They discussed the general situation in a camp for few more minutes before Abby, still being the Chancellor, dismissed them all. 

"We prepared a room for you, Commander, if you would like to stay inside the Ark for the night." She addressed Lexa uncertainly. No one, including Clarke, expected a positive answer, but she surprised them with a slight nod. 

"I would like that, thank you Chancellor." 

"Clarke, will you show Commander the way? It's the last apartment in our sector. I'm sure you know which one." She looked at her daughter, who only nodded stiffly. 

She knew perfectly which one it was. One of the best apartments on the Ark, the Chancellor home. The one were Jaha and Wells had lived on the Ark. It looked like it stayed empty after Jaha left and Abby and Kane kept their old rooms just like the rest of the Arkers. One more terrifying memory to confront today. 

"Clarke? What happened?" Lexa approached her slowly when the rest of Council left and they finally were left alone. 

"I-I shouldn't have left." She answered shakily, she tried to turn from Lexa's penetrating gaze, but found herself not able to. "It's a mess and it's all my fault. I should have stayed and help them." 

"You had to leave. You wouldn't be of any use for them in your condition." The Commander took a step closer with a soft, comforting voice. In her eyes there wasn't even a sign of doubt at her own words. 

"They hate me." Clarke barely whispered through the gulp in her throat. She felt she was close to having another breakdown. 

"They're mourning, Clarke. It's easier for them to hate you than themselves." 

The blonde flinched slightly at those words. The same one that Lexa had directed toward her when they argued about Mount Wheatear. Their whole conversation made her panic slightly with its openness and vulnerability, just like the one they had had in Clarke's room after Lexa's duel with Roan. And just like then, Clarke decided to cut it right here. She felt so many different things at once and she still wasn't ready to confront whatever was happening between her and Lexa. But she didn't want to push her back completely. 

"Thank you." She whispered softly and caught an affectionate smile gracing Lexa's lips. "Come, I'll show you your room."


	2. The Reunions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for comments, kudos and generally giving this story a chance:) Not much Clexa in this chapter, but we have to deal with few plot-relating things. Next chapter will be full of fluff and heart-eyes because we really deserve it, but for now Clarke's trying to discover Arkadia anew.

Clarke's grip on the handle was definitely tighter than necessary and her shaking breath couldn't pass as anything else than not normal. Lexa didn't comment on that or hurry her in any way for which the blonde was really thankful, because with all that had happen today walking into her deceased childhood best friend's apartment seemed like too much. She took few deep breaths before she managed to finally open the door without another breakdown and crying. 

She stood paralyzed in a doorway for few seconds bombarded with memories – her and Wells chasing each other around when they had been six, playing chase in the living room, studying together in Well's room, making a diner that'd turn into an inedible disaster in the kitchen. Happy, free and innocent. It felt like decades before, like some other life and maybe it was. Now Clarke forced herself to push it all back and let Lexa into clean, nearly empty apartment. The furniture stayed the same, but all other personal things were gone. 

The Commander walked inside and looked briefly around, quickly fixing her penetrating gaze on Clarke again. 

"Is something still brothering you, Clarke?" She asked hesitantly, stepping closer and trying to catch her eyes. 

"No, it's nothing, it's just... I knew the person who lived here before." The blonde shook her head slightly, surprising herself with sincerity of her answer. She wasn't ready to say anything more, but she didn't have to. Lexa probably understood the pain of losing someone close to her more than anyone else. She nodded slightly and walked deeper into apartment giving Clarke some space. The blonde watched her discarding pieces of her armour and putting down her swords and coat. 

"You don't have to stay here, you know?" She said after a few seconds, her curiosity winning over the grief feeling of being back in Wells's home. "You can go back to your warriors and sleep in your tent. The Council won't get offended or anything." 

"I'm not doing this for the Council, Clarke." Lexa returned her attention to her with a smile on her lips, but seriousness in her eyes. "I mean what I said back there. We came to build a lasting peace and I am ready to make an effort to try to achieve it. I want your people to see my willingness and I want to understand your culture better. Trikru and Skykru will never move over their animosity if we stay on the different sides of your fence." 

Words were lost on Clarke so she just smiled shyly and said with a deep, sincere voice: 

" _Mochof_ _,_ _Heda_ _._ " Gaining a full smile from Lexa in return she quickly cleared her throat and looked around with hesitation. "It's nothing as fancy as your gigantic tower, but it's the best apartment we have. If you have a problem with anything..." She cut herself shortly uncertain. She was long past seeing Grounders as savages, her months in woods and then her days in Polis letting her learn their culture better, but they didn't have electricity, so many things on Ark would probably by like magic for them. Her eyes stayed on TV in a living room. She wondered if it still worked. She remembered watching movies from the old world with Wells and their fathers and smirked at the ridiculousness of the possibility of doing the same now with Lexa. "Just ask me and I will help. Our technology could be tricky for Trikru, but it's really useful." 

"Of course, thank you, Clarke. I will come to you if any problem emerges. Where are your quarters?" Her question was accompanied with a bit timid, but enthusiastic smile. 

"I... Actually don't know." It was quite depressing, but the blonde couldn't contain the weak chuckle. "Sorry, I'm such a terrible host. I honestly have no idea how are things working here now. I don't even know if my mom kept my old room. I wasn't in it for more than a year." She caught Lexa asking gaze, realizing she'd never told her much about her time in the Ark and being lock up in a Skybox for treason. "It's a long story... Maybe we will return to it in the future. I will let you rest and unpack yourself and find my own accommodation. Then I will let you know where it is." She chuckled again and exchanged smiles and nods with Lexa before leaving. 

Firstly she turned her steps towards her mother's apartment, but even before she reached it she decided she didn't want to share it. She also wasn't ready to confront her mother just yet, to discuss everything that had happened to her. Dealing with political issues and being a leader was one thing, but talking about her personal feelings and experiences especially after the terrible reunion with Bell was another. So instead of going straight toward her old cabin, she decided to just take a walk around and assess the situation in general. She finally met a few more of her people, mainly guards that were mostly suspicious toward her more then anything else, but at least no one tried to accuse her of anything yet. Considering the mood in the camp it was quite a success. 

After an hour or two of wondering around aimlessly, she made it outside of the Ark. It looked like the Grounders had used that time effectively. Few tents had been already built inside and outside the fence and many more was quickly rising. Clarke easily spotted Indra yelling orders around, followed by the smiling Octavia. Both looked quite content to be in each other company again, but of course Indra was trying really hard not to show it. She screamed at the young girl just as fierce like at anybody else, but it only seemed to make Octavia work faster and more energetic. 

Clarke watched her friend for few minutes before she realized she's not the only one observing the preparation. Removed from the scene, near the Ark stood Lincoln with unreadable expression and crossed arms.The blonde barely recognized him in an Ark guard's jacket and their clothes. Slowly she made her way toward him. 

"Hi." She said awkwardly. She had never really get a chance to get to know him better. Of course she had saved him from staying a Reaper or dying, but she also had taken part in torturing him, when they had first met. It's hardly a good start for a friendship. 

Lincoln acknowledged her greeting with a nod. It wasn't exactly encouraging, but it was just the way he was. 

"Are you happy to be finally reunited with your people?" She tried again to start a conversation, despite it being quite a problematic question. It was obvious that the whole situation wasn't perfect for the Trikru man. 

"Are you?" Lincoln countered her question flatly. It wasn't sarcastic or snarky, just sad like his general demeanour. 

"Things are different. Maybe not totally worse, but clearly not better." She answered evasively. She had learnt a little about all the modernization and reconstructions they had made during her absence and it was a step in a good direction, but the current situation left a lot to be happy about. 

"The shadow of all the tragedies is coverings everyone's view of the future." The man finally turned toward her and Clarke inhaled sharply, when she saw an ugly wound on his forehead. 

"What happened to you?" She asked full of bad suspicions. 

"Your mother didn't fill you in?" He looked surprised by her question. "People became really furious during the funeral for Mount Weather's victims when they learnt about Indra's army. They were seeking revenge and started a fight. Someone threw a stone at me." His voice didn't show any sign of weakness just like true Trikru, but with her medical knowledge Clarke could easily tell that it wasn't a light injury. 

"Shit." She cursed under her breath. "So there have already been acts of violence. It's worse than I anticipated." 

"You and Heda have a long way to go if you really hope to create a lasting peace." He went back to observing Octavia, but sent Clarke a mournful side-glance. 

"Do you think it's even possible?" The blonde asked in a weak, quiet voice, for some unknown reasons letting her anxiety and uncertainty show before this tranquil man. 

"Why are you asking me? I'm the smallest piece in this game." 

"You're the only Trikru ever that have became a Skykru too, kind of the bridge between our culture. The only one that is both." 

After her statement Lincoln became quiet for a few moments, observing his people and his girlfriend unpacking and building tents. Finally he answered with a low voice: 

"I don't think I'm neither of them at the moment." 

"That makes the two of us." Clarke laughed humourlessly thinking about the cold welcome she received at Arkadia as well as the subtle, but constant reluctance shown her in Polis by Titus, other ambassadors and many common people. 

With that terrible confession hanging in the air, they stayed in a little awkward, but full of understanding silence, suspicions, distrust and animosity embracing them from every side. Clarke wasn't sure how much time had passed, when Octavia finished her tasks for Indra and made her way toward them. 

"We can put our tent at the back of the camp next to Ran's. We better start working fast, before the night." Full of life, she greeted Lincoln with a light kiss to the cheek. The man only nodded and made his way toward the Grounders camp. His head raised high, but the posture stiff. "You can help too, instead of brooding in the corner." She added with a teasing smile directed at Clarke. 

"Believe me, you don't want me anywhere near your tent." The blonde chuckled, thankful for the light atmosphere. 

"How can you survive three months in the woods without that skill?" Octavia raised a brew at her and shook her head disapprovingly. 

"Oh, I got used to sleeping on the ground or in the cave or sometimes on the trees. It was too much effort to make a big camp with every night in a different place. But it's a long story." This time she didn't smile. The memories of running away from her own demons and nightmares were still fresh in her mind. Just like the thought that she never really managed to leave them behind. 

"You'll have to tell us about it one day."  

"One day." 

Both girls nodded their heads at that, content with the small progress they made. The real talk about the missile, Mount Weather and many other issues was still waiting for them, but the casual joking and subtle promises of the settings things straight were good sign for the future. 

"So, mind to share why were you exactly brooding in the corner with my boyfriend?" The brunette began with a flame in her eyes. "Did those ridicules blood-lust and dumb fascism get to you too?" 

"This is a disaster, O. I didn't except an enthusiastic agreement, but this is a complete mess." Clarke shook her head, full of insecurities with her decisions. 

"I can't believe Pike try to... And Bellamy..." Octavia clenched her fist angrily, her warrior spirit taking over. In moments like this it was so hard to think it was the same girl that had mindlessly chassed butterflies when they got to Earth. 

"We will figure it out somehow." The blonde quickly assured her friend and stole a glance at the Grounder's camp. "You're great with them by the way. I begin to think that maybe you should be the leader. It's like you're the only one who really manged to connect both our cultures together". 

"I managed to do this because I'm not the leader. I don't have to make those unpopular, hard decisions about sending people to die." 

"Octavia, about that missile..." Clarke balanced on her feet uncomfortably.  

"We will go back to this after we make sure nothing else's blowing up anymore. And while we're talking about bombs, have you talked to Raven already?" Octavia sent her a curious glare. 

"Umm, no. I have been mainly just walking around, familiarizing myself with the camp again." The blonde answered flatly, not wanting to admit that she was kind of avoiding other Delinquents. 

"You should check up on her. She could use a friend. Her life somehow still manages to become worse and worse with all that tragedy in Mount Weather and I'm pretty sure there is something wrong with her leg again that she's not telling us." For the first time Octavia's face really fell and became grim. 

"And you think it's the best idea to send me to her?" Clarke didn't even try to hide her surprise, but also the sympathy for Latina was clear in her voice. Raven was brave, brilliant, forgiving woman that deserved the best in the world, but somehow still managed to get the worst. 

"I don't have anyone else to send at this point. Bellamy is lock up in prison with head up his own ass. Jasper is drunk and missing half of the time with Monty unsuccessfully following him around and trying to take care of him. The rest of our friends became the guards at some point and are now playing the secret spy defence team the whole time." 

"The secret spy defence team?" Clarke raised her eyebrows in silent question at the strange name. 

"That's what we call it. You mother prefers: additional, subtle increase in security due to important events. In general it's all about making sure no one attacks the Grounders without them realising that we kind of have a civil war in here." Octavia lowered her voice and took a step closer to Clarke. Her eyes burnt with passion and her face showed  pure determination. 

"Like it's possible." The blonde grimaced and began walking toward Ark. "I will try to stop this, I promise." Once again she took the responsibility upon herself. She just couldn't shake off the feeling that no one else would. 

"I'm not forgetting the missile, but I trust you on that one Clarke." Octavia shouted after her. "And don't forget about Raven!" 

With a quick nod, the blonde got away from her friend and began another mindless walk through the Ark, while trying to figure out what to do. Subconsciously she found herself close to the engineering room and with Octavia's words running around her mind, she decided to just go for it. Bracing herself for another terrible reunion, she quietly walked inside the room that she remembered perfectly from her time spend there with Raven waiting for a message from the radio. It'd changed just like the rest of Ark. Clarke wasn't any good with all that technology, so she couldn't exactly name any of the new things in the room, but there were a lot of spare parts, metal elements, tools, computers, strange devices and papers everywhere. 

In the middle of that mess sat Raven, her posture slumped, her face hunted and her eyes empty. She didn't even raise her head to acknowledge the visitor, just kept pushing the screwdriver inside of something frustrated. 

"It seems like the whole Ark can change, but you're still locked in here." Clarke walked in with heavy steps and uneasiness in her weak attempt at the joke. Raven jumped slightly at her words and looked up. A little smile graced her lips but it was to small to brighten her close-off face. 

"It's not like I can go anywhere, Princess." She taunted her, standing up with a visible trouble. 

"God, Raven I'm sorry, I didn't mean..." Clarke stopped stunted at her own stupidity and quickly averting her eyes. Great beginning to making Raven feel better. 

"I know, just joking." The girl assured her quickly, shortening the distance between them. "I understand you had to leave, but it's so good to finally have you back." Without the warning she threw her arms around Clarke and hugged her tightly. The blonde stiffed for a few seconds, before she relaxed and returned the hug. In comparison with what happened with her mother, this embrace wasn't unwelcoming or forced. "I missed you." Raven murmured and Clarke quickly returned the sentiment. It lasted for a moment before the mechanic quickly took a step back and leaned on the nearest shelf with a little smirk. It wasn't like her to be emotional with others. 

"So, what finally made you stop playing Tarzan in the woods and come home?" She asked, scanning Clarke with her eyes. 

"Nothing new. The war." The blonde answered stiffly, sitting in front of her friend on one of the only two chairs free of tools and parts. 

"Yeah, I heard you made few not really popular decisions... again." Raven's eyes darkened, while she crossed her arms. 

"Raven, I know that from all others, you have even more reasons to hate Lexa, but she really wishes to make peace with us. Mountain Men are gone, Ice Nations retreated after their Queen's death. For the first time since we've landed we do not have an enemy that's trying to wipe us out, let try not to change it."Clarke sighed deeply, really tried from having to go through this conversation another time. 

"Her people attacked and tortured us in the past countless times. We scarified Finn to form an alliance with her and she left us to die." Raven voice shook a little as she lumped toward the other chair getting slightly away from Clarke. 

"We killed just as many Trikru as they killed us." The blonde wasn't sure why she was defending Lexa in front of Raven, but with the Latina she really wanted her to understand Clarke's choice in joining the Coalition. "I'm not excusing her, but she did what she believed was best for her people. And now we are her people too. We will never be on the different side again." 

Raven watched her closely for few long moments with a judging expression. Clarke squirmed in her seat awkwardly under the strict examination. Finally Raven's lips bent into the small smirk. 

"Oh, you're definitely one of her people now. What the hell happened to your hair?" She chuckled, when the blonde made an offended face at her. 

"They're special Grounder's braids. Lexa's handmaidens spent hours on that after... my arrival." Clarke ran her fingers through her hair with uncertainty. 

"Relax, they're not that bad. Just different. But what did you just say?! Handmaidens? I see why you didn't come back with Abby and Kane, now. We're all stuck here in this crumbling wreck I have to repair everyday and you was staying in some kind of palace with handmaidens? Unbelievable!" Raven rolled her eyes while pointing at Clarke with the screwdriver. "I may not like Lexa, but tell me if she began looking for another ambassador to stay with her or something." Both girls began laughing at that, at least for the moment free from their burdens. 

"It's a tower not a palace. Big and epic by the way. With the most beautiful view ever." Subconsciously Clarke smiled warmly, remembering all the impressive, full of decorations rooms and corridors. 

"Yeah, Kane nearly pissed himself with admiration when he told us about it." Raven cut in. 

"I'm sure we can organize a visit for you when everything calm down." Clarke promised her friend with a hopeful smile. "Of course if this place won't collapse without you. The people won't be happy to let you go." 

"Especially your mother." The Latina grimaced again, stiffing in her seat. "She's got that irrational idea in her head that she has to keep me immobilized for my own good." 

"Raven..." The blonde began cautiously, but was cut short. 

"Don't, Clarke. I'm the one that knows what's best for me and it definitely isn't being stuck in here, doing nothing while we're at a brink of another war and our camp seems to be loosing their common sense more and more every day." She gripped a screwdriver so hard that Clarke was scared she was about to throw it somewhere. 

"We will figure something out together." The blonde stated slowly, looking for the right words. "I want you to know that now, when I'm back, I'm here for you. If you want to talk about anything, your conditions, Mount Weather, Finn or really anything else." She promised sincerely. 

"Thanks." Raven dismissed her quickly averting her gaze. "But I would rather hear about your days in the palace with handmaidens." She winked at her with false confidence, but Clarke decided just to go on with this, hoping it will help her friend to take her mind off everything else. 

So they spent next hour just going over the happiest and most interesting of Clarke's memories. When it started to become really late, they agreed to come back to the topic in the near future, preferably with Octavia and the rest of their friends in tow. Clarke considered helping Raven get to her cabin, but she suspected it wouldn't be appreciated, so they just said they goodbyes, hugged in another surge of emotions and parted their ways in the hall. 

Firstly Clarke turned towards Lexa's quarters, planning to led Heda to the mess-hall for dinner, but she stopped in the middle of her track hit with doubts. Her conversations with Lincoln kept replaying in her mind with a clear visualisation of his injury before her eyes. Her imagination quickly came up with an image of something similar happening to Lexa. Maybe eating in a room full of furious, vengeful people wasn't the best idea. She felt the cold, dreading feeling flowing through her body and clutching at her stomach. She couldn't let anyone attack the Commander. For good of alliance and her people, of course. 

Acting upon her instincts she turned around and went straight to the mess-hall. She was quickly assured with her fears when all the people around her started talking with hushed whispers when she entered and kept sending her wary glances. Avoiding them as much as possible she took two trays with dinner and left towards Commander's room. 

* * *

The atmosphere in Ark's cell was thick with anger and hatred. Despite Kane's efforts to cut prisoners out from any kind of information about Grounders and situation in the camp they managed to learn nearly everything for few less loyal guards and visitors. They could barely keep their voices low, while rioting over the fact that their biggest enemies were currently building their tents close to their houses while their leader was occupying their best apartment. When everybody was busy making the fuss, Pike joined slowly Bellamy in his corner, where he stayed with clenched fist and unreadable expression after Clarke's departure. 

"You've been right earlier when you've argued with Clarke." Former teacher approached the boy with determination. "She handed us over to the tyrant." 

"I don't understand how Clarke can be so blind. She's with us here since the beginning. How can she trust Grounders? We tried to negotiate with them, unite with them, HELP them and it only ended with our death." The hurricane of emotions rolled through the boy's face, when he finally stopped looking into nothingness and focused his eyes on Pike. 

"Clarke was gone for so long. You saw her, it's even hard to say she one of us anymore." Pike's face was full of compassion, when he put his hand on Bellamy's arm. 

"It's not her fault. It's all Lexa. It's all begun going down because of her." Bellamy eyes fired with hatred. "She..." 

"Must die." Pike cut in calmly, making the boy wordless for the second. "Think about it, Bellamy. She's the main reason of all our problems. And now we are supposed to just accept her as our leader? Our dead friends and loved ones will never find peace after this." 

"She's the Commander of Collation. She has an army of twelve clans." The boy answered unsure. It sounded like a suicide. 

"Didn't you hear what Kane, Clarke and others have been talking about all the time? Lexa IS the Coalition. Without her there won't be the army of twelve clans." Pike smiled victoriously, when he saw curiosity growing in Bellamy's eyes."The clans hate each others. She is the only one keeping them together." He continued. "With her gone they will never be able to plan the revenge. They will end up fighting each other growing weaker with every death warrior, while we will be safe here with our guns." 

"We managed to win against the Trikru's army at the Dropship while having nothing. We will be able to resist them without any problems now with the whole Ark if other clans won't support them." After a moment of consideration, Bellamy couldn't argue with truthfulness of that idea. 

"This is our chance, Bellamy. For revenge. For safe future. For peace. For establishing our power. This is what Grounders believe in after all: the strength and ruthlessness. They will never dare to attack the slayers of the Commander." Pike's eyes and voice burnt with passion. "And now she's here. Between us, open for us to strike, arrogant with her power." He looked his companion deep in the eyes when they shined with understanding. 

"You want me to do this." He whispered with the stone face. Pike just nodded firmly. 

"You're our best shot. Clarke still trusts you. She can get you out of here, bring you close to the Commander. You don't have to be the one to pull the trigger, but you're the only one to make it possible." Once again the Farm Station's man squeezed his arm tight. "Think about it, Bellamy. One last kill to end the whole war." 


	3. Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of Clexa just as promised. A lot of talking and I think a little bit of foreshadowing to the whole "blood must not have blood" thing with an emphasis on Lexa's want for changes. We all love whipped Commander that changed the whole culture because Clarke's asked, but we all also know that it was something that always was in her and Clarke was just a final push in a right direction. And I want to expand it and make the whole situation a little less sudden and feeling like potential manipulation on Clarke's part.

Clarke balanced both trays dangerously, grounding them on her hip, while trying to think of the way to knock on Lexa's door somehow. Maybe it wasn't the most elegant thing she had done in her life, but left with no other choice she kicked them lightly. 

"Lexa?!" She shouted hurrying up the girl on the other side. "Can you please open up and..." She didn't get a chance to finish when the door burst open, Lexa appearing with a knife in one hand, a dagger in the other and a determined expression on her face. 

"Take this from me?" The blonde finished a little shocked by this immediate reaction. "Umm, sorry for worrying you. I just brought us dinner." She added, offering the girl one of the trays. Lexa sent her baffled gaze, but quickly get rid of her weapons and took her food. 

"Thank you, Clarke, but I've thought we will be eating in main chamber with the rest of your people and the council." She let the blonde inside her apartment and put the tray at the little table in the kitchen. "To give me another chance to learn more about them, as we agree." 

"I know, but I made a walk around, thought it all through and realized that maybe it's not the best idea. We will bring us together but with baby steps, now we can only enrage them more." The blonde grimaced and squirmed a little nervously. She slowly followed Lexa inside, taking the whole place in. Lexa didn't really change anything, no surprise here considering she never brought a lot of personal things while going anywhere, but Clarke couldn't stop a smile seeing a few candles burning in the kitchen and the living room. Maybe she should have empathized stronger the idea of working electricity? On the second thought there was something smoothing about light candle's glow and scent. She really had got used to them during her stay in Polis. 

"I thought it may be better if we just eat together here." She added putting her tray next to Lexa's suddenly conscious that maybe she should have suggested eating outside with Trikru or bring her mother and Kane along for political dinner, instead of inviting herself for the dinner for two. Lexa quickly made her uncertainty go away with an honest, very rare smile that brightened her whole face, the one probably reserved only for Clarke. 

"I would really like that. Please make yourself comfortable." Despite actually being a guest at the Ark, Lexa encouraged Clarke to take a sit by moving her chair and then quickly joined her. 

"Thanks." The blonde lowered her gaze, only to eye their food closely for the first time. "I guess they haven't managed to get a lot of fresh, Earth food yet, so we're stuck with Ark's rations. That green pudding may look disgusting and smell funny, but I promise you it's delicious." She smiled reassuringly, pointing her fork at their dessert. 

"I am aware of your food situation. Your people put a lot of effort into trying to begin cultivation of some of the most important vegetables and grains, but it will take a lot more time to create a fully prospering farm." The Commander's answer was really serious and thought out, but the effect was slightly killed when she kept poking the fake, modified potatoes suspiciously. "As a Commander I have to support equality between clans so I cannot support Skykru in making deals with others, but I will try to help you start a trade with clans most involved in farming. We will also bring Indra into discussing the hunting territory. You are already sharing the land with Trikru, so we should teach you about hunting, best spots and when you can't disturb the animals." 

"You really put a lot of thoughts into this." Clarke replied surprised. She was so engrossed with listening to Lexa that she completely forgot about her diner, laying untouched before her. "How did you manage to get so much information about our food supplies?" She had to ask. 

"I acquired all necessary reports from your mother when you left." She pointed to the stack of papers laying in the living room, Clarke hadn't even noticed before. "We have a lot of work to do." 

"And here I was, joking around with my friends and exchanging stories." The blonde laughed lightly. "I will get them tomorrow." 

"You don't have to hurry yourself, Clarke. I'm happy you have reconciled with your people. It's just as important as anything else." Lexa assured her quickly with seriousness, her eyes warm and affectionate and her lips pulled into a smile. "Anyway political issues really can wait, your food is getting cold." That finally remained Clarke of her untouched diner. The blonde slowly took her knife and began cutting the poorly looking meat, with all honesty even she wasn't really excited to taste again the Ark's chemical imitation after eating in the woods and than in Polis for three months. 

As she ate she began talking about her reunion with her people. Nothing really personal or deep, just brief summary of her talk with Raven, Octavia and others. It was better than awkward silence and while Lexa kind of started the topic, why not? Maybe it was also nice to talk about it with someone, but it's not like Clarke was going to admit it. 

Lexa gave her her full attention all the time, nodding from time to time and cutting in a few comments. 

"Octavia has a great spirit, one of the best I have seen. She's a true Trikru despite being from the sky. She have made a lot of progress in a really short time while training under Indra. If she decides to come back, she will have a great chance of achieving big things in a future." She said with a confidence, but it actually made Clarke deflated a little. 

"Few people have mentioned she and Lincoln wanted to leave and join the Boat People. I didn't bring it up to her yet, but I really hope she would reconsider that. I know she has every right to want to get as far away from Arkadia as possible, but..." The blonde sighed deeply and held her fork tighter. "The truth is we need her. Up to date she's the best example of possibility of co-existence between our culture. I'm also worried about the Bellamy, he's in a really dark place now, his sister's leaving would only hurt him more. And I..." She cut herself short. She didn't have any right to make her personal adamants towards Octavia, after she had done the same thing and abandoned them all. But the fact was... 

"You didn't want her to leave." Lexa stated calmly, as always seeing right through her. 

"I will have to accept that. I don't have any right to ask her to stay." The mood was killed and Clarke felt herself losing appetite completely. Not that she was enjoying her meal much. 

"Maybe now when we have peace, she will choose to stay as Indra's Second. As I said she has a lot of potential and it will be a loss to waste it. It is thoroughly acceptable to make her realize that." Watching Clarke closely Lexa pushed on the issue, surprising the blonde a little with her determination. Not so long ago the Commander had ordered Octavia's death after all just for knowing too much. 

"I will mention this." She answered carefully. "But why are you supporting this? I think love is weakness." It was meant as a joke, but actually left them both stiffed in their places. Clarke felt like Lexa's eyes were piercing through her soul at this point. 

"We are leaders, Clarke. We have to make certain choices, no matter what you believe or not" Lexa put down her cutlery also forgetting the remnants of her dinner and spoke slowly, choosing every word warily. "It still hurts when you lose someone you care about." 

And there it was: another hidden "I'm sorry, I promise, I care". Clarke kept her eyes for a few seconds before it became too much and she squirmed a little in her chair, looking away, which wasn't exactly the best idea. Memories of Wells were everywhere, making it even harder to think or discuss emotions. Feeling stuck and overwhelmed Clarke raised to her feet and went to the living room, hugging herself and swallowing tears that appeared in her eyes. It looked like today everything was destined to make her cry. She needed few minutes to compose herself, but when she finally turned again toward Lexa, she found her stiffed in her place facing away from her. It was clear she was trying to keep sadness and hurt out from her face, but was failing miserably. 

"I'm sorry." The blonde softly explained her reaction. "It just hard to talk about losing our close ones, when we're here. My best friend used to live here. Wherever I look I see his face smiling at me." 

"We could have eaten somewhere else, if it is making you so uncomfortable." There was still a little bit of sorrow hid in Lexa eyes, but her expression soothed. 

"No, it's okay. I've enjoyed our meal - reminded me of Polis - but I must admit I kind of miss Titus. It's not the same without him looking at me like he hopes I will choke on every pieces I take." Clarke cracked a joke hoping it would loosen up the situation. She succeeded when she noticed Lexa's lips forming the smirk. 

"He's just not used to additional company. "She replied lightly. "But you also don't make it easy for him to like you. You didn't have to disagree with everything he said and be late nearly every time." 

"I told you, you could start eating without me. It's not my fault your gigantic tower is a maze and I kept getting lost every time I was trying to go anywhere else than my room, your room or the throne's room." Clarke huffed with annoyance, despite secretly adoring the impressive Grounder's capitol.  

"I thought I let you know I could just come and escort you." Lexa stated matter-of-factly like it was completely normal for the Commander to assist all of the ambassadors whenever they left their rooms. 

"I will keep your word on that for the future." Clarke just left it at that seeing Lexa's face brightening with the smile at her statement and sat on the old couch in living room. After a few seconds she heard the Commander's steps and the brunette joined her. She tried to take the armchair opposite to the couch, but the blonde stopped her quickly. "Wait. Not that one. It has always broken whenever someone used it. I bet they didn't have time to repair it." And just like that with a slight nod, Lexa joined her on the opposite side of the couch, keeping an appropriate distance between them. 

It gave Clarke a pretty good chance to look at her closely. Her armour and weapons were gone, but it definitively wasn't an everyday attire, she had worn in Polis when there had been no council meeting and the Commander had been able just to spend an afternoon reading or relaxing. Simple, black clothes she had now was ideal to quickly put armour on them if the situation occurred. Also she kept her hair in typical braids she wore while fighting. It suggested that Lexa didn’t feel perfectly safe in the Ark, but Clarke was more grateful for that than anything else considering the mood in the camp. 

"May I ask what happened to your friend?" She questioned softly after a minute of silence. Her nervousness was showing when she looked at Clarke with vulnerability and shyness. The blonde considered her question for a moment, but finally decided to answer. The calm atmosphere was making it a little more bearable to talk about Wells. 

"He died soon after we had landed. Just after we made up after a long and serious disagreement. It was so sudden." She stopped, cringing involuntary at the remainder of Charlotte, her attack on Wells and suicide. 

"Was it one of my people?" Lexa moved a little closer, but still didn't dare to touch the blonde without permission, despite Clarke's obvious need for comfort. But somehow the affection in Lexa's eyes and respect in her movement was enough to encourage Clarke to continue. 

"No. We thought so at the beginning, but she was one of ours. The little girl named Charlotte. She was haunted by her own demons - memories of her family. She thought she would have found peace by killing a son of the man who killed her parents." Clarke's mood changed into something more grim and dark. "It was my first big mistake as a leader. I didn't see how unstable she was. I didn't protect my best friend. And after everything I accused the wrong person for this. He was nearly hanged and then created a riot to murder a true culprit. His actions pushed this girl to commit a suicide and I couldn't stop it." Even after all this time, Wells's face was still one of those that kept hunting her in her dreams. Everything had happened so fast back then. She had never even gotten a chance to mourn him properly. 

"Clarke, you have a natural talent as a leader, but you have never been trained for this. You took upon yourself the role that not many would dare and handled it better than most could. At times like this it is expected to make a few mistakes." Lexa answered wisely, like always ready with some leader advise. It was something that Clarke probably should hear, but definitively wasn't ready to allow herself to accept. 

"They are not just mistakes, Lexa. They are people. Every time we make a bad choice someone pays for that. Someone dies for that." She emphasised strongly with anger. But who was she angry at? Herself? Lexa? Others that had made them do those things? She had no idea. 

"Yes, but every time we make a good choice someone's life is saved." 

"Saved." Clarke repeated after Lexa with a little puff. It hardly felt like that when everybody seemed to hate her and despise every decision she had ever made. The cold, dreading feeling was rising in her, while her eyes began to burn. Not ready for another breakdown Clarke decided quickly to turn the direction this conversation was going to Lexa. "Did you have that kind of close friend while growing up? Your Nightbloods seem pretty close. Was it the same for you?" She asked, a little bit of curiosity hiding in her voice. Lexa was never the one to discuss her past, probably having it just as traumatic as Clarke (or even more). The blonde really hoped she wasn't overstepping here, but she couldn't deny her fascination in the mighty Heda on the more personal level. 

"It was different back then." Lexa froze at her question. The change from open support to hard reluctance was more than obvious, but she continued nonetheless. "Since I was brought to Polis as a kid there weren't many people around me. We had a really strict training routine and didn't have a lot of free time or freedom in general. The closest people to me were my mentors mainly Anya and Titus. There was also Costia..." The Commander looked away with unreadable expression. Clarke didn't want to push her about this sensitive topic so she went on with other thing that caught her attention. 

"But what about other Nightbloods?" She smiled at the memory of Aden and few other kids playing around and laughing when Titus wasn't around to scold them. Her smile quickly vanished when she saw that somehow she managed to make Lexa even more uncomfortable. 

"The main base of our culture is survival, Clarke. We believe that our leader has to be the strongest and the most ruthless." She sighed deeply, still keeping her gaze away, making Clarke slightly worry about the whole thing. "It is the biggest honour for the clan to have Heda be chosen from one of them. They used to put a lot of pressure on that, raising their representatives with determination to win at all cost. It wasn't unheard for Nightbloods to even violate the rituals and try to kill their competitors before the Conclave." Lexa chose every word closely, but it was pretty obvious that her training definitely hadn't been as joyful experience as it looked now. 

"What about the main pillars of being the Commander? Wisdom, compassion and strength? Aren't they a little bit in contradiction with this?" One look at Lexa gave her answer even before the girl could herself. "They're your creation." She murmured slowly, not really surprised after second thought, but truthfully impressed. 

"I dedicated my life to joining the clans together. I can't just allow my successor to grow up in hatred toward everybody else and destroy it." Another sigh, but this time accompanied by the little smile. "I made them all practise together in Polis rather than as Seconds to any class leader and put a lot into becoming a mentor to them. It isn't easy, especially when clan's leaders love to bring it from time to time as I stole their children and alienated them in Polis, but at least I have some kind of warrant none of them will go on the killing spree after their ascension." 

"You basically adopted the bunch of kids. I guess it can have it's downsides from time to time." Clarke grinned at that and after a second Lexa's smile grew too. "They adore you" The blonde added with a lot softer voice, something warm shinning in her eyes. Lexa replied only with her typical short nod, but her unguarded for a moment expression clearly showed that the feeling was mutual. 

With that the atmosphere changed completely from the tense one to content. They discussed the Nightblood's training for few more minutes, joking at the memory of the youngest one taking weapon for the first time last week and cutting off a piece of Titus rob in the process. Somewhere between one funny memory and other Clarke's eyes switch to the TV and curiosity got better of her. She didn't see the TV remote anywhere so she stood from the couch and made it toward the electric device. She examined it for few second, before finally deciding there was no other way to find out if it's working than actually trying to turn it on. So she pushed the right button and was greeted with an old record of football match she and Wells had used to re-watch all the time as kids. 

She smiled fondly at that and turned toward Lexa to explain to her what it was. She couldn't contain a laugh when she saw a big, green eyes full of wonder starring at her with incredulity. She spent another half an hour describing TVs, movies and other things they saw on the screen as accurate as she could. She got her own chance to be stunned and thrilled, when Lexa began pointing out things, animals and places that actually survived the apocalypse. There was still so much to see if they would somehow manage to end the war for good. 

After changing programs every few minute because Lexa wanted to see everything, they ended up watching some ridiculous comedy. Clarke suspected the brunette wasn't even following the plot. She was just observing the big, living city the action was taking place in and daily activities of people. And Clarke just watched Lexa. Like really watched _Lexa._ The twenty something girl, completely engrossed in what she saw with childish excitement in her eyes and million questions on her tongue. The strict and invincible Heda was gone leaving only a vulnerable person usually hidden behind the mask of leadership and loss. The crazy normalcy (or even the domesticity) of the situation fell upon them like a warm blanket, making something in Clarke ache longingly. 

* * *

 

The calm feeling of slowly waking up and coming to her sense was something Clarke nearly forgot with her constant nightmares and nervous awareness. It was so unreal when she felt her body fully relaxed and loose with a pleasant feeling of someone's fingers combing through her hair, so soft and nice that she didn't even dare to move wishing herself to go back to sleep. But her consciousness caught up with her with the really important question where she was and why there were fingers in her hair. She moved slightly and momentarily the light touch was gone making her groan in protest involuntary. Then her whole warm pillow shifted and she finally opened her eyes, taking her surrounding in. She quickly recognized Wells living room, now illuminated only by the TV with all candles burnt already. In a weak bluish light she saw Lexa's a little sheepish expression above her. 

It turned up Clarke had have to fall asleep sometimes during the movie and ended up with her head on Lexa's lap. Straightening immediately, she tried to hid her sudden blush with hair. 

"Um, sorry. I didn't mean to" She gestured awkwardly at Lexa that smiled at her warmly, but the little bit of pink graced her cheeks too. 

"It's okay, Clarke." She accented the 'k' in her name. It wasn't nothing new, but at this moment somehow it made the blonde even more nervous. 

"It so late." She stole a look at the clock at the wall. It showed two in the morning. "And I kept you here watching the documentary about dolphins." The movie they had watched, had to end along ago, skipping to something completely random. 

"It wasn't that bad." Lexa shrugged unaffected. "I didn't want to disturb your sleep, Clarke. I heard from guards that you are hunted by nightmares and barely sleep a nights. You need all the rest you can get." Her expression managed to be the perfect mix of seriousness, worry and affection. 

"You need rest too." Clarke murmured, turning her eyes away, the longing feeling returning in her chest with double strength. "I won't brother you anymore. I should go." She stood up quickly. 

"You could never brother me, Clarke." Lexa stood too, straightening her pose like a Commander, but keeping her voice shy. 

Clarke gulped. She had suspected that working together with Lexa again after betrayal won't be easy. And it wasn't but because of completely different reason. She was still angry. She was still hurt. But the longer she interacted with Lexa the more she wanted to... No she wasn't ready to admitted what she wanted to do. 

" _Reshop_ _,_ _Heda_ _._ " She echoed her own words remembering how they had made Lexa smile the last time. 

"Goodnight, ambassador." The brunette replied. 

They kept each others' stares with tender smiles, before Clarke finally made her way towards the door and with one last look at the Commander she left the room. 

She barely managed to close the door behind herself when she locked her gaze with another pair of eyes. At the end of the corridor stood Nathan Miller in full guard's attire and with a rifle hanging loose at his shoulder. Completely frozen in place he stared at Clarke surprised. 

"Wow, Clarke. What were you doing there?" He asked after the few moments of awkward silence. "Isn't it a Commander's quarter?" 

"I... We..." She stuttered, looking for good explanation. Saying she had fallen asleep while watching the movie with Lexa and the Commander had spent another four hours stuck in place listening about dolphins' diet, because she hadn't wanted to disturb her was out of questions. "We discussed political issues." 

"At the 2 in the morning?" At this point Miller began laughing, making Clarke rolled her eyes at him. 

"We got catch up in the problem and lost the track of time." She shrugged, making the boy laugh even more. 

"If you say so." His big smirked took the majority of his face. "Good to see you back, though." He added after a moment, walking toward her and enveloping her in the hug. 

"You too, Miller." She returned the hug. She had never gotten a chance to become close with Nathan, but maybe because of that she had never had any kind of conflict with him. No bad blood. No accusations. No blaming. It was a nice change and she was really excited to see him again. "But now you can tell me, what are YOU doing here in the middle of the night?" She sent him a questioning look. 

"I'm a guard now." He patted his jacket proudly. "Isn't it kind of ironic, considering they locked me up for stealing on the Ark? Anyway, your mother put me on the night patrol." 

"The secret spy defence team?" The blonde repeated Octavia's strange name with a knowing smirk. 

"Yeah. Considering we're scared of the potential riot they put a constant patrol around the Council quarters and now also Commander's room." The boy explained it all to her, while they began making the way together toward the end of the sector. Clarke listened closely, but when they found themselves at the end of corridor she stopped Miller with seriousness. 

"I have a bad feeling about all of this." She began cautiously and the boy only nodded at that gloomily. "I know that Kane prepared the whole routine for you and all, but maybe you could just pay extra attention to Le-Commander's quarters? She's basically the only one keeping it all together. If something happened to her, especially because of us it would be end of all possibility for peace." She bit her lips a little nervously when the image of someone throwing the rock at the Commander appeared in her mind again. Miller only smiled warmly at that. 

"Of course. We can't have anything happening to your nightly political partner." He saluted jokingly and Clarke consider for a moment slapping him on the arm for being so frivolous about the whole thing, but decided against it. After all he was making her a favour, despise his orders, so she thanked him and they exchanged their goodbyes. 

Left alone in the dark, empty Ark, Clarke finally realised one more thing: she still had no idea where she could sleep. Of course she could go straight to her mother and her old room, but the longer she thought about this solution the more she knew she didn't want to, so instead she somehow found herself again outside, looking at Grounders' camp. The cool, night air wake her up a little more and made her fully thought about all the options. However before she had a chance to make her final choice, an enormous, grimly looking Grounder made his way toward her. Literally looking down at her small figure he murmured with obvious irritation. 

"Wanheda, you didn't come for your things, so we didn't know where to put them. We just left them in Heda's tent." 

"Heda's tent?" Clarke looked around, surprised a little to see big Commander's tent still standing in the middle of the Grounders camp, still in Arkadia's borders but close to the gate.  

"Heda choose to stay with your Skykru, but we prepared her tent like always in case she wanted to come back." He explained distrustfully, clearly getting impatient with this conversation. 

"Thank you. I will took care of my things personally." She dismissed him quickly, not really fond of his attitude, and made her way toward Lexa's tent. The guards weren't very willing to let her pass, but she remained them that the Commander had permanently allowed her to get into her chambers whenever she wanted to. Two warriors weren't really sold on the idea of this still applying when Heda was absent herself, but none of them was willing to try their luck with disobeying the order. 

Once inside Clarke looked around slowly taking everything in. She remembered that tent pretty well and could say that nothing really changed. Lexa had never kept a lot of personal things here anyway, so it wasn't like the place looked more empty now when she wasn't staying in it. All the furniture including the empty war table, the throne and bed were exactly where Clarke remembered them. At the middle of the table laid her leather bag with a few clothes and weapons that weren't really her to begin with but she grew used to them. 

While retrieving her things, the sudden (probably really bad) idea struck her. Her eyes switched to Lexa's bed. It was kind of creepy and felt a little bit like crossing some kind of line, but she was tried, sleepy, hurt and angry after the day she had, so she couldn't really care when she left her bag where it was and made her way toward the bed. Getting rid of her shoes, jacket and pants, she got under the furs, delighted with softness and warm they provided. Before any second thought could enter her mind, she passed out completely.

* * *

 

Nightmares returned with the double strength. The old scenarios of burning people in TonDC and Mountain mixed up with recent events making the disastrous mashup of Maya accusing her of murders with Bellamy's words, Wells laying dead in the middle of his apartment and Octavia's burning in the missile attack. 

Clarke woke up with a piercing scream. Probably her own, terrified voice was what finally released her from her dreams. Shaking, with wet cheeks and broken heart she tried to pull herself into a small ball, drawing the furs closer around herself. The soft smell of wood, candles and leather enveloped her tightly. Lexa's smell. It was so soothing that Clarke managed to calm herself in a record time. She didn't put many thoughts into this, when she brought the furs even closer, hugging them desperately and successfully falling asleep again. 


	4. Demons in your mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for comments and kudos. Once again I'm sorry for mistakes. I love English with all my heart, but you know, writing in a language that's not your own is totally a pain in the ass. I'm doing what I can. I'm glad you're enjoying my ideas nonetheless and I hope that characters aren't too OCC. It's so hard with The 100, because OCCness is basically part of the canon here. I'm not watching it anymore but when I did I felt like they wrote this season about different people, but forgot to hire the new actors. Anyway I'm looking for a beta, someone to save the gramma in this. If any of you will be interested, just write to me. You can find me on tumblr: lostbutalive-andverygay. If you want to talk about anything, you're welcome.

The morning rush in the camp and sunlight shining through tent's entry woke Clarke up. She wished she could say that she finally felt a little bit better about her homecoming, but the true was everything seemed just as shitty as the night before. The warm comfort of Lexa's fur was making her want to stay in bed longer and hide away from the rest of the world, but the sense of responsibility of her people, that was born within her when the hundred had landed on Earth, didn't allow her to. And there was also a part of her that considered using Lexa's bed without asking kind of creepy, so it was a good additional motivation to get up as fast as possible.  

She tried to choose from her little collection of clothes something that would make her look the least Grounder. Her people were looking at her like an outsider enough even without another reason to do so, but she still ended up looking more like Trikru than Skykru with her braids, daggers and jacket with additional parts of armour. She should blame Lexa for that, after all of those things came from her, but with all honesty Clarke liked her improving, new style.  

Ready for a day, she took few deep breaths preparing herself for new troubles that were probably waiting for her on the other side of the tent's flap, and finally left. The guards outside changed during the night, but the new duo was equally grumpy and unhappy with her presence. She ignored them, looking around at the Grounders' camp. It looked like half of them was training fighting gathering all of suspicious Arkadia's guards around them and the other half was enjoying breakfast near their tents. At the very back of the camp Clarke spotted Lincoln and Octavia talking and eating peacefully. The young girl also noticed her and quickly waved her towards them. 

"Clarke, what are you doing here that early?" She asked with a smile when the blonde was close enough to hear her. 

"You know... just umm... Taking a walk. " The girl answered quickly, hoping that her expression wouldn't betray her. Sleeping in a Commander's tent wasn't something she wanted to discuss or even admit aloud. 

"Do you want to join us for breakfast?" Lincoln offered her bread and fruits. "We also have roasted meat left from last night if you prefer." He looked more at peace today with his arm around Octavia and Ark's jacket gone. 

"From our own hunt." The girl added proudly. "It's so good to finally be able to go back into woods freely. Without any killing orders." She snuggled into Lincoln and Clarke couldn't stop a smile at that. It looked like everything between those two was still working pretty good. Octavia and Lincoln deserved a chance to finally be happily together without torture, drama and war. The blonde couldn't be more grateful for that, despite a small sting of jealously when she saw them being so... domestic and content. Will she ever be able to have something like that? 

"Fruits will do. Thank you." She took a bowl from Lincoln and sat at the little log outside their tent. 

She spent next half an hour with them discussing the most random topics including hunting's tips, Trikru's camp, Arkadia's food supplies and weather that was becoming colder everyday. Finally Clarke had to go back inside the Ark for another Council meeting and probably pretty unpleasant conversation with her mom about her avoidance. Octavia quickly expressed her wish to walk her back, stating they had something important to discuss. 

"It's about Bellamy." She started baldly. "I went to talk with him yesterday evening." She fixed a serious glare on her, ignoring Clarke's grimace. 

"I hope it went better for you than for me." The blonde answered grimly. 

"He still thinks we're making a mistake by trusting Grounders, but he wants to witness it just in case." The girl sighed heavily. "He wants to be here while they're staying and see for himself if this could work." 

"What exactly are you trying to tell me, O?" The blonde stopped in the middle of corridor, paying her full attention to her companion. "Are you suggesting we should let him out?" 

"Listen, I know you two just had a pretty heated discussion and you probably don't want him sulking around, snapping at everyone, but he made a few good points. A lot of people still look up to him. If they saw him supporting this, maybe it would help with those rumours of rebellion. " 

"Ok, that actually makes sense, but I'm not sure O..." Clarke wondered for a second. Before her talk with Bellamy she would probably agree without second thought, but now she wasn't so eager for another confrontation. Bell had basically became a walking ticking bomb. It was hard to believe that he would just stay passive with all that anger controlling him. "We can't just get out of prison one person." 

"He's not 'one person'. He's my brother and our friend. Really lost friend. And I think we seriously should keep him as far away from Pike as possible. That guy's really bad influence." She clenched her fists, like always ready to fight whoever endangers her family and friends. 

"I have never really get a chance to talk with him about all of this." Clarke replied honestly. "He was such a calm and kind teacher on the Ark. It's hard to believe that the idea of killing all the Grounders came from him." 

"Ground changes us all." Octavia just shrugged at that. 

"Yeah, it does." Clarke's voice was completely blank, whipped of all emotions. 

"Listen Clarke, I'm angry and reluctant about all of this too. Probably even more than you" The young girl pointed subtlety with a move of her head at the group of Sky People that was bluntly avoiding all the Grounders while going to the well at the middle of the Camp. "Pike is exactly where he deserves to be, no arguing here, but my dumb brother isn't the lost case yet." 

"Have you spoken with anyone from the council about it?" The blonde finally sighed tiredly. 

"I brought it up with Kane. He's supporting the idea whole-heartily. He's the last one to give up on us. That guy basically adopted all of us." Octavia laughed at that, but there was warmness in her voice and eyes. Maybe there sill were some of Skykru that she cared about. 

"Then I'm not sure if there is anything that you really need me for, but I promise to try discuss it with my mother and let him out as fast as possible." Clarke promised her sincerely, despite being quite sceptical about the whole thing right now, with all of Grounders around.  

With that settled, they exchanged their goodbyes. Octavia invited Clarke to join her and Lincoln for meal once more and they left their separate ways, the brunette towards the training ground and the blonde to another council meeting. 

Once again she was the last one to arrive, because of her conversation with O. Just as she entered the room her eyes immediately fall on Lexa. The Commander was explaining something to her mother, while pointing at the map, but she stopped abruptly, straighten up and greeted Clarke with a nod, little smile that no one except Clarke probably noticed and soft look. It was enough to make the blonde melt a little and smile back unconsciously, but the atmosphere was quickly broken. Abby definitely wasn't that happy to see her again. 

"Where have you been?" She made her way toward her, bringing the attention of the whole room towards them. Kane and the other Councils' members that were discussing something in hushed whispers in the corners stopped to watch with concern the exchange between mother and daughter. 

"Eating breakfast with Octavia and Lincoln, sorry for being late. We needed to talk about something." The blonde stated flatly. 

"I mean during the night Clarke. You didn't come back to our apartment and you didn't use any other room in the Ark." Of course, leave it to her mother to be as unprofessional as possible. 

"First of all, how do you know I didn't use any room in the Ark? That's a little bit creepy. Second and more importantly, that's not any of your business." She got around her mother, making her way toward the map and Lexa. She felt this unexplained and irritating (not really) need to be close to her in those stressful situations. "Thirdly, it's definitively not Council's concern." 

"You became our Ambassador and by an extend a part of this Council, so your behaviour and decisions became our concerns." Her mother followed her angrily, not ready to being dismissed that easily. 

"My decisions and behaviour?" Clarke looked at her with honest incredulity. "I slept in Trikru's camp. You probably know it already, so I don't understand why are you behaving like I committed a serious crime." 

The blonde felt Lexa's curious gaze on her, but she spared her only one pleading look, hoping that it will stop at least her for asking more questions now. 

"You have been gone for three months and now when you're finally back you prefer to stay with the Grounders?" Abby completely ignored Lexa, concentrated only on reprimanding Clarke angrily, but the blonde once again didn't miss the darker look on Commander's face. At this point her mother was becoming borderline offensive. "There are people who have been waiting for your return. The people that have hope in you. There are also the people who don't trust you after everything. And both of those group now only see you associate with Grounders, looking and behaving like them." 

"They see me blending our cultures together. Or at least this is what they would see if they weren't so blinded by their prejudice and hatred." Clarke's voice and eyes were cold enough for her mother to flick uncomfortably. 

"This is not about Grounders" She dismissed it arrogantly. "It's about the fact that despite your coming back home finally, it doesn't feel like you've returned at all." 

"Maybe it's because here doesn't feel like home anymore." It left here mouth before she even had a chance to think it through. Now when it was in the open, she realized how true it was. She had scarified so much for her people, got so many mental and physical wounds. It seemed nearly impossible that after everything she could find peace here ever again. The fact that majority of Sky People began to treat her like an outsider didn't help too. 

"I'm only worried about your mental health, Clarke." Her mother changed an approach to more caring and empathic with hurt expression, but her daughter only shrugged at her attempts to comfort her. 

"And you decided that bringing it up in a Council's meeting is the best way to deal with it?" The sarcasm in her voice was more than obvious.  

"Like I said, you're an Ambassador, you're representing us..." 

"Chancellor." Lexa interrupted her with her most commanding voice, stiff posture and cold, stone face expression. Her Heda's mask was fully back in place. "I can guarantee you that Clarke kom Skykru is more than capable to fulfil her duty as an Ambassador, if this is your concern. The alliance we created between our people and the truce with Ice Nation are as much her achievement as mine. It wouldn't have been possible without her assistance. I would also want to inform you that she is more than welcomeed to stay between Trikru if she chooses so. As my guest she doesn't have to fear for anything." 

Clarke sent Lexa a little smile, while still watching her mother. It was clear that Abby was thinking hard on the response and the blonde was pretty sure that whatever it's going to be, it will probably damage her mother's relationship with Lexa even more. So she was about to stop her, when Kane beat her to it. 

"Abby." She put his hand on her arm and squeezed comfortingly. "You and Clarke can return to this issue later in medical bay or wherever Clarke's wishing to talk." His eyes were full of unspoken apology when he looked at blonde and then the Commander. "Now, when all of us are here we should begin the meeting. We have a lot to discuss with the feast's coming up." 

The rest of Council's members agreed with him with relief. Abby still didn't look happy or convinced, but they didn't even give her a time to protest when dozens of other issues were brought on. They discussed the general situation now that the Commander had looked over reports. Clarke protested a little that she hadn't gotten her own copy, but quickly dropped the subject when her mother retorted snarky that all the papers were waiting for her in her room. 

They put the most attention into oncoming feast and agreed to delay it one day more. More Grounders were coming from different villages persuaded by their Heda to meet Skykru, so they had to wait. The hunters also weren't ready with the prey big enough for the event. Everyone knew how important it was for the feast to go as smoothly as possible, so they voted unanimously to try to make it perfect. 

When they finished Abby momentarily turned toward her daughter with a look that suggested more accusations and arguing. Clarke tensed and saw Lexa doing the same but once again Marcus came to her rescue. He pulled Abby toward the doors declaring that they had something important to take care of. Clarke suspected they were talking about Bell and considered for a moment coming with them. She promised Octavia to support the case, but after the recent confrontation with her mother she wanted to be as far away from her as possible, also she was pretty sure that Kane will take good care of everything. 

The Council's room emptied in second leaving her alone with Lexa that didn't move even a millimetre, watching Clarke curiously. The blonde shuffled her legs a little nervously, waiting for whatever was coming. 

"Clarke, if you wish to stay with my people you could inform me before. I would have made sure that appropriate tent have been prepared for you." The brunette approached her with formality, but there was also a smile on her lips and affectionate sparkle in her eyes. 

"It was... rather a spontaneous decision." The blonde couldn't stop a little blush that formed on her cheeks. She wanted to avoid that subject, but there was completely no point it hiding it. She was actually surprised that Lexa's guards hadn't informed her yet where Clarke had spent the night. "You don't have to worry, I think I got the best accommodation possible." 

Lexa's brows raised in silent question as they left the Council's room together. Clarke expected some questions from her, but she got the exact opposite. 

"It is not my place to pry, Clarke. Just please let me know how can I contact you quickly if something occurred and let me assign you a guard. Your people's animosity that your mother mentioned isn't something to ignore." 

"I can take care of myself." The blonde furrowed her brows with exasperation. 

"Oh, I'm sure of that. " Lexa answered her with a smirk, but obviously didn't change her decision. 

"I killed the panther in the woods." Clarke pushed on, making the other girl smile even more. 

"I've never expect anything less from you." 

"Lexa, I'm serious you don’t have to do anything. It's enough that my mother obviously has someone literally spy on me. It don't need more protection and I had pretty good one the night before anyway." Her cheeks were fully red at this point. "The best tent in the camp with the best guard." She laughed awkwardly.  

For split second there was clear confusion on Lexa's face. Then it had to occur to her what Clarke meant, because her Heda's mask dropped again showing vulnerability, uncertainty and mix of hope and fear. Faced with all of this emotions Clarke could only lower her eyes anxiously, looking for something to say. 

She had never got a chance when something smashed into her forcefully. She didn't even realise what was happening when she hit the ground hardly. Her shoulder was throbbing and there was a bruise forming on her forehead as she tried to get up quickly and assess the situation. At this point her assaulter had been already pinched to the floor with angry Lexa's foot on his back. Commander's murderous glare was piercing into his head and her sword was cutting warningly into his neck. 

"So it's true. You're back. You returned to kill more innocent people?!" Very drunk and very furious Jasper was shouting and snorting at her, trembling on the ground with too many emotions.  

Clarke felt her heart falling when she looked at her old, once goofy and optimistic friend, so full of pain and hatred now. She barely recognised him with his new hairstyle, sickly pale face and burning glare. 

"They're all dead because of you!" He kept shouting, despite Lexa's blade cutting harder and harder into his skin. "You're a monster. An angel of dead." 

His words were making her more unstable and shake than his hit earlier. 

"Lexa, let him go." It was the only thing she managed to utter, before she turned around and did the only thing she seemed to do lately all the time: run away.  

Her cheeks were wet from tears, her heart was beating painfully, her stomach was tied into a knot and she was pretty sure she accidently collided with few people sending them to the floor. Her instinct was telling her to get as far away as possible. Maybe even return to the woods, but she knew she couldn't just abound them again. It was all her fault and the best thing she could do was to try to make it batter. So she decided on the second best destination after getting lost in the woods and just left the Ark, running towards the Grounder's camp. She needed to hide at least for that moment. She tried to contain her tears as she stormed by Lexa's guard and got into her tent. She didn't dare to use her bed again so she just fell to the floor lifelessly, curling herself into the miserable ball.  

She didn't know how long she just lied there, before she heard a soft voice outside. 

"Clarke? Can I come in?" 

She didn’t answer, even if she wanted to, she didn't have it her to form a coherent sentence. 

"Clarke?" This time the voice was more insistent. "I'm coming in. I just want to make sure you're okay, than I will leave you alone if you wish so."  

The blonde barely got a chance to contain her tears and sit straight before the tent's flap moved slightly and really worried Lexa slipped inside. Her eyes fell on Clarke and she immediately kneeled down next to her. 

"I'm fine." Clarke shrugged her concerns and raised slowly, turning her wet face away. "You didn't need to... I'm okay. What about Jasper?" She tried to get a grip on herself, while walking deeper into the tent. 

"The guards are going to escort him to your mother." Lexa also stood up, but didn't move from her place close to the entrance. 

"Good. She will help him, get him something to make him calm down a little." The blonde answered quickly, squirming nervously in place. She didn't get a respond for few long moments that made her even more anxious. 

"Clarke, what he said..." Lexa finally broke the silence with a soft voice, but the blonde stopped her in an instant. Something in her snapping completely. 

"Don't you dare tell me again it's not my fault, that I'm a hero!" The girl turned with a cry and a fresh stream of tears. "I'm not, Lexa, I'm not." She swallowed hardly. Her voice quivering as she continued "I killed everybody in Mount Weather and than abandoned my people. I hurt everybody! They hate me. All of them. They don't see a hero. They see-" She shuttered, her voice broke even more. "A monster." She whispered, sitting on Lexa's bed and burying her face in her hands.  

She didn't notice Commander's approaching her. Lexa just as the rest of Grounders could easily move without making any noise, so she startled blonde a little when she suddenly touched her palm lightly.  

"You did what you had to do to protect them. What you needed to do after I had left." Her voice barely above the whisper. "It is not a burden you have to carry alone. If only I could..." Clarke heard her swallow. For a second she sounded just as miserable as the blonde. "We can't change the past. The only thing we can do it focus on the future. Make it better." 

Clarke lowered her hands and opened her eyes slowly only to be met with a pair of beautiful green eyes staring at her affectionately. Once again Lexa fell to her knees before Clarke, keeping their faces at the same level. Being so close to her made the blonde suddenly yearn for a hug or just any other form of human contact, but she didn't dare do something so intimate. Not now. Not yet.  

She just hung her head and pushed it forward until her forehead touched Lexa's. The connection was so small and fleeting, but it calm the blonde in an instant. Lexa on the other hand took one, quick sharp breath and didn't even dare to move enough to take another one, just leaning slightly into Clarke. They were so close that the blonde could feel a little tremble in the other girl, felt her exhale as the warm breath washed over her face. The comforting scent of woods, leather and candles enveloped her again, at this point essentially becoming her favourite sedative. 

They stayed like that until Clarke gathered herself together enough to think clearly again and speak without breaking into tears at the end of every sentence. She pulled away, trying to put a serious mask back on her face. 

"I'm sorry. I don't know what got into me." She murmured. She didn't try to face away from Lexa this time, but she also didn't keep an eye contact with her. She wiped at her cheeks furiously trying to get rid of every evidence of her temporary weakness. "It's so unlike me to fall apart like this and whine about everything. You're right, we have to concentrate on the future. I have to put myself together." She stated firmly and was ready to get up, when Lexa's hand on her arm stopped her. 

"I saw the bravest warriors whose minds were hunted and destroyed by the nightmares of the war." She spoke cautiously. "You have a right to heal, Clarke. Don't push yourself too much at the cost of losing your senses." 

"I'm a leader just as you, I had to be tough for all of them. This is what you have always tried to tell me." 

"Separating your feelings from your duty and just simply avoiding and denying their existence are two different things. This is what you have tried to teach me, haven't you? You called me a liar. And I said you're a hypocrite. Both of us had a lot to learn from the other... still have." With a heavy sigh Lexa raised to her feet, looking down at Clarke with worried expression. "Please, take your time Clarke, make peace with yourself. Guilt and anger is never a good guide. I know it better than anybody." She ended with a grim expression, but quickly shrugged it off, before Clarke even got a chance to question her. "Do you wish me to leave you alone, so you can rest?" 

The intimate moment was over, but it helped Clarke to calm enough to form a little smirk when she answered. 

"I can't exactly banish you from your tent, Commander." 

"You are free to use it as you please, Clarke. If you need anything else, I will make the guards bring it."  She shuffled her legs a little bit shyly. The gesture was completely un-Commander likely, but just so Lexa that Clarke smirk turned into full mouth smile. 

"I have everything I need in here already." She answered more honestly and softly than she intended. Lexa just nodded quickly at that. "I just wanted you to know that you don't have to wait for my approval to enter your own tent. You've just killed the Ice Queen to establish your rule, we don't need people questioning your position again." It was meant as a joke, but actually was so much more serious. Clarke didn't need Titus's reluctant looks to know that whatever was happening between her and Lexa could have really dangerous consequences. It wasn't the topic for now, but sooner or later may become an important issue. She saw it in Lexa eyes, when they left her own for a second. 

"You are my equal Clarke and I will only ever treat you as one." She mumbled. "Your people offer me their best quarters, I can't provide you with anything less. I do not wish to." She sighed deeply. "Please make yourself at home. I will return later so we can possibly enjoy our meal together?" It was more of the question than a statement. A little glint of hope in Lexa's eyes couldn't let Clarke say 'no' to that even if she wanted to. 

"I would like that." She smiled softly. "Thank you for everything." She added lowering her eyes, her hair partly covering her face. From between them she saw Lexa nodded a little bit quicker and more enthusiastic than usual. 

"I will be in the camp with my warriors if you need anything." The Commander ended their conversation with that, but took her time before leaving, stealing glances at Clarke, maybe wishing her to ask her to stay. The blonde really considered it as she watched her walk, as she watched her slip through the flap... until it was to late to stop her. But maybe it was better that way? Baby steps. They needed time. Clarke needed time. Maybe Lexa was right, maybe she needed to face demons in her mind first before she will make any other decisions. 


End file.
